Radiation Week 3

Episode LX: There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

Another week was officially over... 3 weeks (15 zaps) completed!!! I was only a few days away from being midway through my radiation treatment...

I am almost halfway there...

I found that I was getting a darker version of pink on my treatment area, but mainly around the top of my chest, under the breast, and on my nipple. Everything was darkening. Everything was more sensitive. Everything was more painful to the touch. Don't touch that!!!

The pink is beginning to darken as of week 3...

At the end of the week I had gotten a new side effect... pain. It felt like ice picks stabbing into my chest. The radiation was really getting into my body and really getting after my nerves! Ouch! Of course this was not a common side effect, but I would get it. I love that I get all the weird stuff!!!

Other than that I was tired. I was so tired that I found I could not stay awake sometimes. If I did not get a nap, I was off to bed at crazy early hours. If I did nap, I was still tired, but functioned better in the afternoon. And trust me, my family wants me to function. I found that I could actually sleep sitting up... an ability that has always alluded me!

Me wanting sleep...

I was off my chemo medications, but found that without Tylenol and Tylenol PM... I was a very sore person. However, I was moving along and my treatments were passing by. Another Friday arrived and I was ready to get a few days off and try to recover from the increasing treatment side effects. 

3 weeks & 15 zaps down...

In my head...

I am still keeping my head up and finding humor in all of these crazy things I am enduring. On one day this week, I remember seeing a hair caught in the radiation machine from the lady who went before me. I teased them about torturing her before they finally removed her hair. This will not be my issue, as I do not have any hair. That machine cannot pull any hair from my head... even if it is right next to my body!!!

Even in all the pain and discomfort, there is so much joy. I have really enjoyed meeting so many new people (nurses, techs, doctors, patients) that I only hope they are gaining from me as much as I am gaining from them!

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”

- Winston Churchill

Episode Reference: Head Full Of Doubt/Road Full Of Promise, The Avett Brothers song

Radiation Week 4

Episode LXI: Dancing through the fire

It's time to celebrate! I have made it over the halfway point. I am on the last half of my radiation cycle... and planning to get through the next 3 weeks with the same love and laughter...

I am over halfway complete with radiation!!!

My skin was still irritated and began to get itchy. I was in a mental drama of wanting desperately to scratch my chest, but knowing that any time I actually touched it I hurt. So, I kept my hands to myself. I did end up scratching at other parts of my body as a way to alleviate that desire. I know crazy!?!?

Skin is ranging from pink to brownish-pink...

My pain was still there and starting earlier in the week than last week. I was beginning to hurt sooner. Since the radiation was constantly accumulating the earlier pain kind of made sense... however, no one likes to hurt. I was making weird pain faces, adjusting my clothes, and being somewhat grumpy (on occasion).

In the process of all this radiation, my hair was growing back. It had a nice mange appearance at first and I had to try a product to help stimulate hair growth (Nutri-Ox, click here to learn about it on from my radiation tips page). It helped. My hair was growing faster within a week. And now I actually had hair...

See... I have some hair... some...

Next week I get to go back to the main office to get more scans. I am almost ready for my radiation booster series, where they will isolate my treatment to specific areas. My last 7 zaps will be based on those scans. I am finally at the point where I can begin to hear about the end!

4 weeks & 20 zaps down...

In my head...

I am at the turning point of my radiation treatment. While I am hurting in more ways than I expected, I am so close to the finish.

My pain has increased and it is challenging to press on to do outside-the-house activities, but it would take a lot to slow me down. General things that were not issues (seat belts, booth heights, purse straps, hugs, etc) have become more painful. Basically anything that touches you both expectedly or unexpectedly can create pain. However, I will always take hugs from my kids! Always!!!

I did venture out to my daughter's reading program and got to enjoy an amazing performance and walk in a parade with her. I cannot imagine not going. I am lucky to be going. I am lucky to be alive!

At my little girl's school program! 

She is the cutest owl cowgirl ever!!

"Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; 

they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." 

- Marcel Proust

Episode Reference: Roar, Katy Perry song

(In honor of My Bean, she loves that song)

Radiation Week 5

Episode LXII: He knew how to handle pain...

Another week down... only a couple to go!

5 weeks & 25 zaps down!

As usual, I made my way to the treatment facility every morning and hopped on the table. Each day was similar to the next. The daily grind included me only being up there for around 20 minutes, at most. Compared to chemo - it was short. However, a lot of pain can be packed into a short punch!

 

Still smiling despite the discomfort.

Throughout the week the general discomfort became a greater discomfort. While I had avoided certain clothing, all clothing was uncomfortable. Each time I had to get dress and actually move around (walk, use my arm, etc) my skin became more irritated. It began to feel as chapped as it looked.

No matter how much lotion or creme I used, I was feeling the burn. The nurse had given me a mixture of Aquaphor and Lidocaine... which did numb some of my skin, but it burned when it hit the open sores. Ouch!

Each section of my skin was showing side effects. There were areas that were brown, purple, and pink. I was not just losing skin, but I was blistering. It was not like a typical sunburn, but it was more burnt.

Even my "good" radiated skin was feeling the burn...

Even with everything going on in radiation, there was always something else that needed to be done. Now it was a CT scan of my neck to check out my enlarged lymph node. I had a mysterious lymph node that arrived about 10 months before I was diagnosed with cancer. It disappeared after my 3rd chemotherapy treatment. It had popped back up about a month ago.

I was suppose to have a needle aspiration biopsy of the lymph node, but the radiologist required a CT scan before doing the biopsy. So, I was off for another test. While these normally are pretty easy, this one would be... interesting.

It wasn't that the scan was unusual. It was not. It wasn't that some new amazing CT scan machinery would be used. It was not. Instead, I would endure my IV nightmare. I am sure I have mentioned that I have a twisted insecurity of IVs. My traumatic youthful experiences with IVs would ensure that I would always have a slight fear of them.

Here was what happened... I hate to even write it...

I was taken back and the nurse looked for a vein. I am suppose to use my left arm due to the lymph nodes being removed from my right side. Apparently, my left arm was less "veiny"... go figure. So, she took out the coolest little device that allowed you to see veins.

Really, the veins show up like that...

At that point I am thinking everything was fine. I got to see a new gadget. Cool.

Stupid me... she then tells me my veins look small and she thinks she may have found one. Now she wanted me to hold the device while she sticks me. Say what?!? Even as I joked about my IV phobia, I hold the device and do my best to avoid watching. I tell myself, I have got this. Then I realize as I am holding it with my right arm, every time she readjusts me because I DO NOT want to watch, I am irritating my radiated breast skin.

I sucked up my pain, I held the device, and I did my best to watch without really watching. After she put the needle into my arm, she realized that she wasn't in the vein. I also realized it as I felt the jabbing and watch her move the needle around my arm in multiple direction. It hurt. It looked gross. I hate IVs!

After a few minutes of having a needle not go into my vein - she gave up. Then she put a hot, wet towel on my arm and massaged it. Trying to stimulate my veins. Another nurse went by and she called her over. They discussed my veins and decided to work on my hand. So, the same process began again but I told the other nurse that she can hold the device and repeated my fear of IVs.

I looked upwards and felt the stick. Ouch. Then something that has never happened... happened. Blood shot out my hand and covered my hand. I mean covered. It was not a tiny cut where blood comes gradually out. It was a full on gush that wet my hand. All four fingers. I felt them drip. The nurse screamed. I believe it was "Oh No! I made a mess!" The other nurse was focused on calming her down... what about me?!?!

I am trying not to freak out. I know that they have not taped down the IV because it was moving every time they moved. I am looking at the ceiling while repeating, "Just tape down the IV." They were trying to clean up my bloody fingers. I just wanted the IV taped and then the mess cleaned. In the end it was taped down, I was cleaned up, and sent on for my scan. However, I learned that checking to see if you hit the vein was not something I want to happen again. I will say an open IV line was bloody. It was messy. And it reminded me why I dislike IVs so much!!!

A new first for me!!!

So bad, they had to bandage my whole hand when it was removed!

In my head...

Did I mention that the dislike IVs and that my current experience did not help. I realized I will request all future scans to be at the cancer center and not the medical mall!!!! Lesson learned.

Even though it was a tough week. I was fried. I was swollen. I was sore. I was tired. The kids were off at my parents and I got to rest. I really needed that rest over the weekend... so I can start again!

However, I did have some fun. My hubby forced me out for dinner and we enjoyed a meal together. A meal without kids - it was so peaceful and fast!

Headed out for dinner.

I am finding that no matter how difficult, I will find a way to rise to the occasion. Even in pain. I truly believe in making the best of the worst. Happiness can be a choice... and I choose to be happy. And if I don't feel happy - I will fake it until I am. Even in the dark places that cancer tries to bring. I will find the light or I will find a flashlight!

That's one thing Earthlings might learn to do, if they tried hard enough: 

Ignore the awful times and concentrate on the good ones.” 

- Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

Episode Reference: “He knew how to handle pain.

You had to lie down with pain, not draw back away from it.

You let yourself sort of move around the outside edge of pain like 

with cold water until you finally got up your nerve to take yourself 

in hand.Then you took a deep breath and dove in and let yourself 

sink down it clear to the bottom.And after you had been down inside 

pain a while you found that like with cold water it was not nearly as 

cold as you had thought it was when your muscles were cringing 

themselves away from the outside edge of it as you moved 

around it trying to get up your nerve.He knew pain.” 

- James Jones, From Here to Eternity

Radiation Week 6

Episode LXIII: I'm radioactive, radioactive...

Another week of radiation was over. Unfortunately and fortunately we had a "snow day" which caused the office to close. Unfortunately - because I only got 4 treatments and will have to carry my final treatment to a Monday. Fortunately - because my skin was soooo bad that I really needed time off.

6 weeks... 29 zaps down!

The weather was crazy during the first part of the week. I went to treatment on a day when the ground was covered in snow. Then the next day treatment was cancelled and no snow was on the ground. Really!?!?! I did not want to miss any days as I am ready to be finished. I tried to view the day off as a blessing in disguise. However, I still got out and pulled a sled despite my very, very radiated discomfort.

Hard to say no to that sweet face!

Celebration time! I was now into the booster treatments. Each day at treatment was slightly longer than before. Instead of getting in & out in under 30 minutes, it was more like under 1 hour. I was laying flat instead of at an angle. I was no longer in my self-molded cocoon. I was generally having to hold myself still longer and in a more uncomfortable position.

Because I was scanned each day prior to radiation multiple pieces of equipment were pulled out from the wall. They looked like The War of the Worlds and Doctor Octopus had a love child...

My zapping table's parents.

Each day the technicians would line up my new markings and take a CT scan. I, of course, did nothing but lay there. Then they would line up my images (the ones that showed where to zap & the ones that showed where I was currently laying). Then the table would adjust to make sure that I was completely lined up. Usually it was a small adjustment. Then I would get zapped!

However, it was in new locations primarily from the right, left, & then top of my chest. Each one had different zapping points and they seemed to be longer than the previous radiations. I just stared at the ceiling and laser lines listening to some music. I think I heard mostly Riverdance style music which made me want to jig right of the table... no hold still, don't move!

Oh yeah! Almost there... except my skin was HURTING...

After a very long week, I was feeling the burn, blister, and tearing of skin. I was given Repara, a medicated gauze square, that I could place over my skin. Sweet relief, if it was relief. It gave me temporary relief. It also helped my skin peel off faster. I wish I had used these a week sooner!!!

I wore the gauze instead of the rolled shirt under my chest when possible. It really cause the skin to come off faster, which in turn allows me to heal sooner. The entire week I hurt. There's no nice way to say it. It sucked!

My many shades of pain!

My entire chest was varying colors: white, pink, red, purple, brown, etc. The worst pain was the time before it actually peels and the first few days of peeling, when it was raw. The discomfort really made clothes and general tasks undo-able... so I didn't do much!

Ouch! I really didn't do much! Ouch!

In my head...

I am so close. I have 6 treatments left. I will say that right now was definitely the most pain I have had during radiation. I have the very noticeable burns, but I also have nerve pain and arm weakening too. I went to get some groceries of the counter and instead they slid down the side of the counter. I thought I had it. In my mind I had it. My arm just did not have it!

I know I don't have the worst case of radiation burns & others have it worse, but it hurts. My doctor was surprised at how good I have looked throughout treatment. He expected me to look like I do now sooner. I have really kept up with keeping my skin from drying out, not wearing a bra, and avoided irritating clothing. Plus, I do not put any lotion on before treatment and I always shower before. I really think it helped.

I am near the end... and I cannot wait for it to get here!

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching,

 and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. 

I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” 

- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Episode Reference: Radioactive, Imagine Dragons song

Radiation Week 7

Episode LXIV: It burned like fire, this burning desire

It was suppose to be my last week. With last week's weather causing me to miss an appointment, I was going to have to wait until Monday for my final radiation treatment. I really wanted Friday to be my last treatment day. However, I still was so close... so very close... to being finished with radiation.

week 7 & 34 zaps down...

I was definitely feeling rough. I was tired. The fatigue was truly exhausting. Any time I could fall asleep I did. I was finally understanding the point of taking an afternoon siesta... and I really needed one.

Now that I was only receiving booster radiation I was suppose to get a "break" from all over treatment. That my skin would hopefully be able to heal in areas that did not get exposure. Even with that break, I was feeling the radiation burn. My entire chest area was ranging in colors.

My skin was fried, peeling, & all round irritated!

Some of my skin was drying out quickly too. That caused a new set of problems, but I tried hard to keep my skin covered in lotion. Plus, the levels at which my skin peeled ranged from barely to oh-my-gosh-a-lot. I was grateful that I got a small sense of relief after my skin finally did peel some. The new skin was sensitive, but less painful. The Repara gauze strips caused my skin to peel faster and it would fall off without pain. I really wish I had started using Repara sooner. (See my Radiation tips) Much sooner!

Even with the skin problems I refused to stop doing things. Often I wondered why I continued to do things when it caused me great discomfort. Overall, I just refused to stop living... to stop continuing on with my life. I want to continue doing things I would normally do... sometimes, I would just do them for less amounts of time or with less energy!!!

The family about to go on a nature walk!

In my head...

I wished I was finished, but I was glad to be almost done. It was so close!!!

The past few weeks of treatment have really pushed me to fight through the side effects. I think the toll of the many treatments (chemo, surgery, radiation, etc) was probably the biggest cause of my extreme fatigue. The radiation was still eating away at my skin and chest. However, the main focus has been my desire to keep up with two very active kids... I am still trying to keep up!

Now, all I can think of was that I had 1 more treatment. 1 more treatment! 1 more treatment!

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” 

- Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

Episode Reference: Still haven't found what I am looking for, U2 song

Final Radiation

Episode LXV: It's a beautiful day!!!

I cannot believe it has been over 7 weeks... and it was finally my last day of radiation. I was thrilled that it was the last day that I would have to get zapped... hopefully forever!!

Even though I was excited it was a Monday... it also meant trying to get the kids up, fed and to school on time. A chaotic and normal Monday. And by all accounts, it was going to be a very successful day!

My Last Radiation!!!

I completed my normal routine for radiation: I arrived, scanned my ID card, changed into the gowns, and waited my turn. I had seen it throughout treatment, as people get finished new people arrived. It was my day to finish and a few new faces were there today. I was excited to speak and encourage the newbies.

It was not long before I made my way onto the radiation table and got in the uncomfortable, but normal position. The techs adjusted and moved me into position. Then the multitude of scanning equipment circled my body. I remained still as they processed all my data... awaiting the automatic table adjustment. Then I heard the last radiation noises... 3 angles and multiple zaps zoomed through my chest...

Could it be? Was I finished? Had I finally completed my last radiation treatment?

35 zaps down.... 0 to go!

Then it was over. It was over! I now had the honor to ring the bell. A plaque and bell hang in the hall and can only be rung when someone completes treatment. Today was my day. The bell was a symbol that treatment was over. I had graduated from radiation!!! Ring! Ring! Ring!

Ring my bell!!!

In an ideal world I would be finished with treatment and finished with my day. But like all cancer patients... normal and ideal was not an option. I left my last radiation treatment and drove straight to the cancer center for further testing. Since I was still having heart related issues the oncologist had ordered more tests: CT scan & MUGA scan.

I arrived and checked into the imaging department. My name was finally called and I went back with a nurse to get an IV. After my last crazy IV experience I was nervous, yet pleasantly relieved that today was not as traumatic. Instead it was pretty normal (no blood and drama) except she removed some blood for my MUGA scan.

In a moment of quick thinking, I had them go ahead and run my blood work from the IV since I was coming back to see the doctor in a few days. Now I could avoid another needle stick. I was impressed that I had that thought... something that can be a rare and wonderful thing during all these treatments. No really... thoughts and ideas are often lost or... what was I saying?!?!

It was finally time for my CT scan. The CT scan was beyond easy at this point. It required very little time and effort. Usually only taking 15 minutes. After lying on my back for radiation, I will say I was less excited about getting down on another hard surface. I held my breath a few times. I felt the warm sensation that I had peed (but I really had not). The machine went over me a few times. I was finished.

I get a to use a new machine... here's an example for the MUGA.

The multigated acquisition (MUGA) scan basically looks at images of the ventricles (lower chambers of the heart that hold blood) to make sure they are pumping blood properly. After having chemo they wanted to see if any heart issues have developed based on some of my symptoms.

Not sure which door is better... Hot Lab or Decay Storage????

Before the scan the nurse retrieved some of my blood from the Hot Lab room and re-injected it into my IV line. My blood had been mixed with some radioactive material and then put back in my arm. I have now had radiation and got double doses of radioactive material... why do I not glow???

Then the tech put electrodes on my chest to monitor my heart’s electrical activity during the test. Once again, I was laying down on a hard surface and remaining still. A large camera was placed very close to my chest... very close and then gamma rays tracked the tracer in my body. Did I mention that it was very close to me? I had to lay still for around 30 minutes. Then she moved the camera and took more images for 30 minutes. Of course, one of my two scans was unclear so I got an additional 30 minute scan... bonus!!!

My back was extremely sore from laying on the hard tables all day, but I was finally done. It was my last day of radiation. It was another day of scans.... which was something that will always be part of my life.

In my head...

I cannot believe I have finally come to the end of my treatment. I have endured months of chemotherapy, multiple procedures/surgeries, and finished radiation. Almost 1 year of torturous obstacles. I have endured. I have fought. I have survived.

However, after all these chemo and radiation treatments I was hoping to gain some superhero stature...

Maybe not a dark, but happy Phoenix?!?!

I am so grateful to all the people who have given me such great care and support. I have spent almost every day with my techs and will really miss our witty conversations and silly laughter. I have found such joy in the staff and people I have met throughout my cancer journey.

What an amazing day... what a beautiful day!

“I am the happiest creature in the world.

Perhaps other people have said so before, but not one with such justice.

I am happier even than Jane; she only smiles, I laugh.” 

- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Episode Reference: Beautiful Day, U2 song